Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Drunk from the feet up...

I have told this to Ben but others may find quite funny.

It was my first few days of living in Dubai in 1997 where I spent two years . I was shoved into an apartment at midnight on a Sunday to be sharing with a so called Tennis Pro that I had yet to meet. Sampras?, Henman?, Hewitt?...maybe even Jennifer Capriati!!!???mmmm....................no ............it was Mr Mark Wisdom himself THE LEGEND THAT NEVER QUITE MADE IT!!!!!

My apartment was quite nice for 4 days until eventually the hospitable Mark wisdom appered to say hello and introduce himself. It wasnt until the Thursday that I knew who I was living with!!! and then this Adonis (cant think of another word really!!) of a man turned up to greet me (how late...the rude BA*&ard!!!! How can you be living with someone in another country and not get to see them for four days????)...

Any how, to make up for this Mark decided to show me the sights of Dubai starting with the meridien beach Hotel...and my my, the boy certainly made up for it..talk about sights of Dubai!!!! (I never knew thongs would suit such a figure.....no not Mark!!! What are you like!!!!), there were ladies everywhere, a huge swimming pool, five star hotel with a beach and facilities to die for.

We decided to spend most of the day sitting on the stools in the pool bar...supping up as much Amstel as possible with Mark happily pissing in the pool at ease and on occasion!!! (not really, i made that up for effect), enjoying the scenary and getting well acquainted as friends for life (i suppose we had to considering we were living together like a new gay couple).

After 6 hours of drinking casually we decided it might be a good idea to get out of the sun, especially that lobster boy was attracting attention with the colour of his back!!! and I was dying for a waz!! we tried to get off the stools and make our way up the pool steps ...only to realise that this was the first time that our feet actually touched the floor since we arrived...all of a sudden Mark and I could hardly stand up let alone walk, we swayed down to the beach where our stuff was giggling like a couple of schoolkids that had seen their teachers knickers ...holding on to each other as we tried to stand up straight with only our legs being properly pissed!!!!! It felt like being drunk from the feet upward!!!

As soon as we got to the Beach - we both had that Male urge of doing the sensible thing....."lets go in the sea!" YEAAAHHHH and off we went (trying to skip into it but legs still not working properly from the pool drinking). All of a sudden - Mark was drifting out like a piece of dead wood off a shipwreck and about ten yards out....me being the stocky,fit lifeguard built personal trainer that i was, did the most natural thing in that situation.....

I pissed myself laughing, i was in histerics!!! I wet myself twice looking at this skinny fella I'd just met bouncing up and down like a let down inflatable bouyancy aid!!!! Mark was waving his arms around like he was dancing (now we all know how scary that is) shouting "i cant get back, i cant get blblbobolblbooblbloolblobblob back!!!"

..I then decide to do something so i lept in to Marks aid and tried to pull him off, I mean out!!!! honest ha!!! (dont get worried im as Straight as you can get!!! ). We struggled to both get breath and were going further out to sea than coming back because we were laughing and I was actually trying to have that piss in the sea!!!

Eventually, Mark and I managed to get to the beach again, Mark- with his flopping hair looking not too disimilar to Bo Derek in 10....NOTTT! we were rolling a round laughing, exhausted, trying to catch breath but laughing more every time we took a breath. We made it back on to the sand by crawling back within last few feet of water, we led there faces covered in sand (still giggling by the way..but the giggle where your stomach and chest start hurting if you know what i mean!!
Mark then decided to spew his guts up of sea water, amstel beer and a few doritos we had for lunch that day!!!

It was now 7pm (yes it took a while to get out of the water away from the sharks and jellyfish of course!!) we got to two of the nearest loungers to gaze and reminisce over what had just happened. and also to watch Mark vomit flow neatly back into the water...

Mark then had the audacity to fall back on his lounger, smack his head on the plastic and went out cold into a deep sleep/coma!!! of which, i did the Male thinking thing again at this point... I went straight back to the bar to get another amstel!!!!!

Sunday, June 28, 2009


Before we went to Vegas, I became ordanied by the Universal Life Church,
as I was going to marry Wiz to things, plants donkeys etc.
But my Rev. documentation hadn't come through it time, so I couldn't. 
They have now.

Here's my ID card and my book.
My credentials.

Oh and my Press Pass.
The words to learn.

So I can marry people.
Baptise them.
Do something else.
Bless houses.
Commitment thingy's.
Oh and Love and stuff. Oh yeah. 
Wiz and anyone next to him are not safe.


Stag- Do 2. The Home Coming.

So Stag-Do 2 is finally planned. 
Wiz wanted to play golf - but not outside - he likes the simulator one. 
So everyone can have a go no matter how crap you are. 
So we found this. 
It's a bit of Cyber Golf  and a club and Not a bad hotel in Nottingham.  
Well it's sort of where Wiz is from. 
Well he's the only Forest fan I know.
We're going to go up on Saturday morning and back on Sunday - whenever.

Anyway 6 weeks to go.


Thursday, June 25, 2009


This is the first summer in (I can't remember) 
years that we haven't got dressed up an abused 
the press and cameras at Wimbledon. 
And as I sit here on the other side of the world 
watching the goings on at All English Tennis Club.
With the newest Russian Beauty, and all the Englishmen 
become members of Great Britain -  renaming Henman Hill 
to Murray Mound. 
It got me thinking about the best Wimbledon of all.

The Ex Champions.
Now apparently Wiz plays tennis. 
I've never seen it myself, but I know he does 
look like a certain Swedish tennis player of 
the late 70's/80's.
If Wiz could grow a beard he'd be a dead ringer. 
(Luckily he can't)

42 mph.
Ahh that's love. Closed eyes and everything.

What the press said.


Monday, June 15, 2009


This (below) is why Mr Wisdom Snr. Is a complete legend. The ultimate legend. The man we all wish we could be.

There is gold in this here email. Gold.

“Benjaminger, have just spoken to Reg who thanks us for asking but he is going to have to decline, leave it to the younger ones he said???? There are a couple coming from a long way off so we are going to have to get a meeting point. If we go to (the seaside) perhaps they can meet us there only I cant remember where they are coming from and where are we going to or end up. Also I think about Brian, If we are away overnight will he be alright we don’t want to upset the ladies Fiona and mum? So first things first where to go. Brighton sounds good full of poofs though but hey don’t knock what you have not tried. (Said in a deep voice.) Once we have decided on where to go I will make a start on finding B&B`s also e-mail the tourist board to find out what’s on and where to go. If we are going to keep it within a budget we are going to have to be careful. The indoor golf is going to be about £30 odd squiderly did, so on my reckoning it is either indoor golf and a drink in a pub or going to the seaside beside the sea, Oh I do love to be beside the seaside!!! Now for the important question, what do you think ????????”

I still haven't heard back from half the people - which is putting a strain on the organising of the event. At it's basics it could be Urban Golf and a party bus in London. But as you can read 'The Legend' and I want to push it a little further (while keep the costs down) - and I  still haven't taken full advantage of my new  Rev. Status from the Universal Life Church.  Now I've got all my documents - I've got to marry something to Wiz.



I'm after stories. Anything really. Funnier the better. Here are a few little teasers from Mr Simon Rice:

"Last pish up I had with Wisdom was in Dubai when he spewed up allover the beach.."

Or the 156 Nike Tshirts that Wisdom didn’t wash when he was in Dubai....

Oh and then theres the piss in the bottle story!!!

Oh yeah and then the Flatliner (Tabasco, tequila and Sambuca) story.

Not to mention the free Lap dance and getting left at the tube station story!!!!"

Tell all Mr Rice.


Sunday, June 14, 2009


This is the Response I got from Andy Baker (Some call him 'Merve')
"15th August is the day after our wedding anniversary so count me in. I’ll just have to make sure Mrs Baker gets a good seeing to on the Friday night."
What a romantic.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


This is a quick note to say welcome the new lads now I finally have the list for Stag do 2.

Please add your any comments as well as your own stories/photos to the blog.
I'm looking for ammo that I can use for the speech.


Thursday, June 4, 2009


I still haven't had the names of who are coming to the Second Stag do yet. 
So nothing has been decided yet. 
But the date will be............. The 15th of August 2009.
Yes The Saturday before the wedding. Sorry I know. 
I only fly into the country on the 13th.


Monday, June 1, 2009


So with 7 flights in 4 days (I had to fly to Melbourne for work an hour after I landed in Sydney) being with the boys for 53 hours (It took me 2o hours to get there 22 to get back) - it was worth every second - I now have to plan the second one.

The only disappointment was that I didn't get to marry Wizz to anyone with my new skill - being an Ordained Minister. Maybe I can use it in Part two. Now there's an idea.



But it's only the beginning........




We came, we saw Wizz got signed. A lot.



a little worse for wear.
JT is almost dead.
Is that a Mexican strip?
Heads down.
The survivors.



It's time to hit the dance floor.
Follow me.
Wizz pulls (me).
Rug denies giving a Smurf a blow job.
Garf doing his game show singing.
Sign along with JT.
It's all about you.
The 100 yard stare in full effect.
Floor time.
Wizz moves onto Jay. (What a tart).
I'm next.
Mmmm can you feel that?
Freeze master?

Or was it you?



Well it could be him. To be honest 
I don't remember the shades but according
 to JT this is the LA Williams that came up to 
Wiz and gave his some amazingly insightful advice. 
That we all instantly forgot.



One of the challenges was to propose to a bride. 
And he found one.



Ahhh here is. Happy and ready for his fate.

Dam busters.

Around the bar.
Now run outside and shout has anyone seen my weener?

Or talk to yourself for a minute at the end of the bar.
Drink a pint out of Rug's sock.
Ahh taste toey.

What about the Caterpillar.....
.....across the floor.

you can see the thumb print (sorry Wiz - luv ya really).

He doesn't seem to mind.